Saturday, October 15, 2005


10 years ago I was:
* Taking ballet
* Selling girls Scout cookies
* Tap-dancing
* Collecting beanie-babies
* Baking brownies

5 years ago I was:
* Quitting ballet
* Joining the Senate
* Selling my beanie-babies
* Quitting tap-dancing
* Fighting with my brother

1 year ago I was:
* Shooting the hell out of stormtroopers
* Whooping some major butt
* Yelling at droids
* Whacking peoples' heads with baseball bats
* Hiding super-secret ultra-destructive plans from a guy with breathing problems

Yesterday I was: (5 things)
* Ordering monkeys around
* Ordering droids around
* Wondering why they can't do anything right
* Looking for mushrooms
* Getting sand in my new shoes

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
* Brownies
* Chocolate-chip cookies
* Ice cream
* Goldfish
* Anything with a fork

5 songs I know all the words to:
* Jedi Day's Alderaan Idiot
* Droidhead's My Iron Lung
* HIM's Wings of a Speeder
* The Star-Spangled Galaxy
* The alphabet song

5 ideal places for running away to
Anywhere but Tatooine

5 items you will never see me wear:
* My hair in a normal fashion
* Rollerblades
* A tutu
* Tap-dancing shoes
* A bikini

5 biggest joys in my life:
* My blaster
* My foot
* My mouth
* My fist
* The unlimited power of the Fork

5 favorite toys:
* My Gameboy
* Baseball bat
* Twister board
* Ticke-me Elmo
* Does my laptop count?

Fluke Starbucker
General Grievous
Qui-gon Jinn
Han Solo

Sunday, October 09, 2005


It was cloudy that day, so we had all decided to wait another day before setting off on our raft. We spent the rest of the day on the beach, nothing to do. I should've brought my Gameboy.

“Don't we have any food?” KoKo asked.

Suddenly, it hit me.

“You guys? Did you bring any food?”

“Nope.” 3PO said, and R2 shook his head. We all looked at KoKo.

“Whaddaya lookin' at me for? I was lucky to have even been on the plane! The only way I got in was stowing into a big crate of mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms!” I stood up. “KoKo, you moron, you're a genius! Where was the crate?”

“Oh... uh, in the back of the plane somewhere.”

“Mushrooms what we do with them?” 3PO asked. I ignored him.

We ran towards the plane. Well, half the plane. We ran towards half of the plane. The back half. We ran towards the back half of the plane. We climbed in. And we found them right away.

Crates piled up ten feet high, all filled with mushrooms. At least, we hoped so. 3PO and I brought a small crate down from the top. We all pried the top with our bare hands. I was lucky I didn't get a splinter. Those leave an ugly purple mark on your fingers.

Finally, with a snap, the crate broke open.


(To be continued)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Raft

We spent the rest of the day searching the island.

It's big and has tons of trees.

"How we get off?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

We searched for another couple of hours.

"What we looking for?"

"I don't know, 3PO. Stop asking me."

"Doopdee w00t!"

And a few more hours.

"Umm. Highness? I'd kill for an orange right now. I says we build a raft and get off this place. If we're lucky, we might find all the oranges we want!"

Suddenly, it hit me.

"A raft! We can build a raft! Why didn't I think of it before? I'm a genius!"

Koko, R2, and 3PO went and gathered bits of shrapnel and wood from the forest while I told them what to do. It was tiring. By the time we had enough, it was dark and we were sweating like pigs. Okay, they were sweating like pigs. A princess doesn't sweat. They bound the logs together while I supervised. By morning, it was finished.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

The eyeball

3PO and I began searching for our missing friends Koko and R2. As soon as we jumped out of the plane, (or the half the plane) we realized we were lucky to be alive.

Almost immediately, we noticed a hot-pink bow sticking out of the mess of wires and scrapped metal. Next to it, R2 was running into the junk, trying to topple it over, to free the furry fuzzball from a destructifyingly disastrous death.

3PO and I ran over, and helped pull the bow out. We tugged for what seemed like thirty seconds. Suddenly out came KoKo, good as new... well, almost.

"Why're you lookying at me like that?

"Ummm... Koko... your eye... "

She put her hand on an empty eye socket. No eye. She felt around her face. No eye. She stuck her finger into her eye socket and swirled it around. No eye.

That day, at approximately 3:00, 4:00, or maybe even 2:00, a piercing scream filled the air: "My eye! My eye! Where's my cute button eye!?"

"He he he... what dat?" C3PO asked, pointing to the ground. A single black eyeball, which looked a lot like a black marble, rolled out of the pile of junk.

"My eye!" Koko picked it up. She looked at me. What she said next I did not intend.

"Sew my eye in!"


"You got to! Sew my eye in!"

"Doopdee w00t!" (I wish R4 were here to see this)

"I've never sewn an eye in before..." What'd she think I was, a handmaiden?

"Trust me! It like regular sewing. Find a needle and thread! Anything! Please..."

I picked up a small shard of metal and a long string that happened to be there. 3PO and R2 watched as I got ready. I strung the needle... I picked up her eyeball, held up her head...

"Wait!" KoKo screamed.

"Waaaaaaaaaaah!" (What now?)


"Just remember, If I scream, or anything, make sure you ignore me. All right?"

"All right."

I picked up the stupid chimp's eyeball and started sewing. It didn't take too long. Before long, she was as good as new.

"Ha ha ha ha... monkey better now!" 3PO sang.

At that moment, there was a tremendous explosion as the earth shook. Well, actually, it sounded more like an elephant. Trees in the forest behind up began urooting themselves. Whatever it was came closer.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" (What now?)

"Run away, run away!" 3PO hobbled away as fast as he could. We followed. The plane, or half-the-plane, would be the safest place to be. We ran faster. The sound seemed to be getting closer... closer... closer...

(to be continued...)

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Me: (squinting) That is Endor... right?
3PO: Look like it. Green and blue, so yup.
Me: Huh. Looks different than from the last time I saw it.
Koko: Maybe it changed... just like an orange would after sitting on a counter after a few weeks!
Me: What, are you obsessed with oranges?
R2: Dooopdeep wOOt! (should I change my name to Wilbur?)
Koko: Teeheehee! You can never be too obsessed with oranges! *snort* I eat one every morning! I eat oranges, I eat orange peels, I drink orange juice, *snort* I even eat orange pie! Tee hee hee!
Me: Oh no...
3PO: We are dere, only almost!
(plane plummets towards the planet, not slowing down. Controls and lights on the ship become fast-moving blurs)
R2: Wahooo!
Me: Who the heck is piloting this thing?! I swear, as soon as I get home, I'm sooo gonna sue their-
(Our characters are suddenly tossed around the plane as the plane is tossed against the ground. Everything goes still for who-knows-how-long?)
3PO: (regaining conciousness) Everyone all right?
Me: (getting up) I'm alive. (looks around) Where'd R2 and Koko go? And what the heck is up with that?!

Where's the pilot?
3PO: (pointing at door) Dere, I guess.
Me: When I'm through with him, he won't know-

Ummm... thank god we're alive, right?
3PO: Ooh monkey! Maybe he do hustle for us!
Monkeypilot: Goodness gracious, we chimps do not just dance. How rude of you to say so! Well, I have been insulted enough. Farewell! (jumps out plane window)
Me: Ooookay... What do you say we go look for R2?
3PO: Okey.
(3PO and Leia walk open the mangled door)

Me: 3PO, I don't think we're in Endor in the first place.

(to be continued)

Friday, September 09, 2005

The ship to Endor

(3PO, R2 and Leia aboard the ship to Endor)

C3PO: Princess, might I ask what exactly this creature is?

Me: I don't know. I'm guessing it's something really ugly and mutated.

R2: Beep doowhop-bop beep. (translated: It's your mom, you big gold prune! It's your mom!)

3PO: Exactly, R2! We can't just go in there without knowing what it is, that would be unreasonably stupid of us.

Me: Well what do you suggest, smart one?

3PO: Well, I don't have a plan, but I suppose-

Squeaky voice: Eee eee eee!

Me: Shh! Do you hear that?

3PO: Well, I told them they needed to clean this ship before we left, but they just won't compromise. There is no reasoning with those-

Squeaky voice: (louder) Eee eee eee!

Me: Who are you? Show yourself!

3PO: Oh! Oh my! (stumbles backwards)

Me: Watch out for-

(C3PO falls backwards, head landing in a bucket of water that was left there for mopping. Sparks leap out around his head)

R2: Beedee beep doo BOP! (His grammar circuit! Hahaha!)

Ewok: Oh-no! You okeyday, buddy?

Me: Is there something wrong with him?

3PO: (getting up) Ugh. Me is fine. Head ain't doing not too good. But overall, me fine. When we get dere?

(everyone stands shocked)

Me: Did he... did he just use a double negative?

R2: Bop beepdeeb bwop bwah ppppt. (I have a Victoria's Secret catalogue stashed in here somewhere.)


Ewok: Maybe I should introduce meself to y'all! I'm KoKo, and I'm coming along with y'all, because as we all know, YOU still need a sidekick!

Me: I need a sidekick?

KoKo: That's right. Scooby-Doo, Batman, Zena, Monkeyboys... everybody needs a sidekick! Dint you read the rules?

Me: Rules? Hell no. And I don't need a sidekick, thank you very much.

KoKo: Well, din Matrix sent me for somefin. Mesorry 'bout your friend. I donno how to fix erm.

3PO: You say I is wrong? Why! Smart I is still, if I try! I still say alphabet backwards watch! A... B... C.... D... E... F...

(KoKo jumps on 3PO's back and flips switch.)

3PO: G... (fading) H... aiiiiiiiii....

Me: Thank you, KoKo.

KoKo: See? Me good for sommythings.

R2: Beep doo-dee! (If a prune is mixed with a pineapple, who will feed the goat?)

(Out the window, the planet of Endor can be seen in the distance.)

Me: We're almost there!

R2: Weehaaaaaah! (Weehaaaaaah!)

Me: Hang on... If 3PO's all messed up, who'll translate for us?

(dun dun dunnnnn)

(everyone stares at camera, with a shocked expression on their face)


(To be continued)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Letter From Wicket

It's been a while since I last saw Wicket. I remember the time I gave him his first brownie like yesterday. We still write to each other, though. But it's just not the same.

Yesterday, I got a strange letter from him. Judging from the tone, there must be something terribly wrong:

Yub yub Leia,

Yub yib-cha woooo. Ib- Little
Peoples Of The Galaxy Organization yub ibten yib! :-) Oi Yib-yib snuff ibben
ibto turkey wib-wub. Yib?

Yib yibben-oo yub yibbit. Snuff yobben wubben?
Ibben schnaben. Wub-snuff dung-lub. Orange ib-nib parchee. Yib doy. OMG, obbin
wo snuff wubben cookies. Ib-yob! Chimnney doo yib yibben wob. Chim chimen
num-num? Num???

As you can tell, some kind of monster's settled into their forest. It's been eating all their food, muddying up their water, and causing trouble around the tribe. They've never caught it though, and no one's seen it, but it leaves enormous footprints everywhere. And since I'm such a great person, they want me to help. And since they asked so nicely, I don't have a choice, do I?

I'm leaving for Endor tomorrow with my two good friends Goldie and Canhead. I'll keep you guys updated!