Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Back... again?

I pounded on the door.

"Let me in!"

No answer.

"LET ME IN!"

Again no anwser.

"Luke, this is my home, and you have no right locking me out like this! If you don't let me in right now, I'll-I'll call a security guard to kick your butt all the way to Hoth!"

Silence.

Sunddenly I had an idea. It was wild, but it just might work. I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force.

It's just like brownies.

The door swung open. I went in, down the hall, to my closet, and put on my ultimate weapon of complete destruction... my Darth Vader voice-changer mask. I was so gonna freak his pants off.

"Luuuke! Where are you?"

"Hang on a sec... Dad?" His voice was coming from my bedroom.

I turned the knob.

"I am back to take you to the Dark Side."





"Bnnoooooooooooooooo!"

Poor Luke. His finger's starting to yellow. He shot out of there like Roadrunner. I'll never know exactly what he touched, but at least I got my place back.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Phil The Ninja Of Fear





Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Return

It all started when I got back home... and caught Luke making a fool out of himself...


Luke: Play that funky music white boy! Play that funky music right!
Leia: Luke, get out of my house!
Luke: Play that funky music white boy!
Leia: Get OUT! (rips out extension cord)
Luke: Lay down that... Oh, hey sis, how was Tatooine?


Leia: (pulls fork out) Get out! Don't make me use the fork again.
Luke: (whining) No! You always want me out, and you never invite me over.
Leia: I might, if you weren't bent on stealing my credit card. How much did you spend?
Luke: You know, I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find it -
Leia: It's in the drawer, where I always keep it!
Luke: Oh.
Leia: Get out!
Luke: (sits on floor, crosses arms) No.
Leia: Out!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: Just because I spilled grape juice on your old dress doesn't mean you can hold a grudge on me. I-
Leia: You did that on purpose!
Luke: Only because you smashed my Beethoven bust!
Leia: That was because you smashed my pink piggy bank and took my money!
Luke: I needed it to replace the sculpture you smashed!
Leia: What? That doesn't even make sense!
Luke: Maybe if you didn't bonk me on the head so much with that baseball bat, you tomboy!
Leia: Who're you calling tomboy, girlie pants?
Luke: I am, stupid.
Leia: You know you were a mistake, right?
Luke: What? Well you know you were born retarded, right?
Leia: If I'm so dumb, how come I didn't end up with that Owen drunk? (No offense, O)
Luke: The Lars just happen to like me better!
Leia: Pshht! Right! And -

...
An hour later...
...


How did this happen?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Senator Elmo



"Senator Padme, Elmo wants you to tell the kids what sound an elephant makes."

"Aroooo!"

"And what sound do two elephants make?"

"Aroooo! Aroooo!"

"Now, Senator Padme, let's show Jedi Anakin how a real hug is made."



Ah, Senator Elmo, the little red muppet. The last time I remember seeing him was on his talk show 18 years ago, when he was doing interviews with the jedi. Obi-Wan was the last one who came on right before the show was cancelled.

(Obi-Wan comes out from backstage, sits on big yellow feathery sofa next to Elmo)

Ben: *hic* Heeeey, y'all! *hic*

Elmo: Will you please tell Elmo, Mr. Kenobi, about all your hard work at the Temple?

Ben: ............................... *hic*

Elmo: Mr. Kenobi?

Ben: OH! Cheetos! Robots is nice too.

Elmo: I'm sorry, Mr. Kenobi, but Elmo thinks you misheard the question. Will you-"

Ben: No! *hic* Stay away from my mother! She thinks your dumb! *hic* See her again and I'll cut your throat! *hic*

Elmo: That's not what Elmo-

(Ben draws light saber)

Ben: You know bloody well not to mess with me!

(Ben raises saber menacingly)



...

I wonder what ever became of him. Last I heard, he was spending time at a hospital. Maybe he decided he would save more lives if he became a doctor or something. We salute you, Doctor Elmo!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Return of the Tater

I was at the supermarket one morning, picking out carrots for Carrotfest, when I felt something. Right there, in front of me, was a dark lord. He looked like an ordinary veggie at first, but it was him all right.



"Darth Tater! What're you doing sneaking around here? I thought you were boiled! Mashed! Stuck in a stew! What happened to your face?"

"They boiled us! They boiled us, we wept! But we escaped. Our face is deformed, yes, but we came out alive."

"Ah. What're you doing here in the carrots section, anyway?"

"Sneaking."

"Fine. But why a grocery store? Someone might want you and eat you and everything."

"It's the last place they expects us. Plus, orange-flavored Jello is half off; buy one get one free for this week only."

"No! You lie! The Meijer's brand is the better deal! Eat Fork!" I pulled out the Fork and stabbed him in the face. I sure taught him a lesson.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Jealous

Luke's a real sissy. I don't know where it comes from, but he's even sissier than me, and that's not right! Maybe it's because of that Owen guy he stayed with. I've heard that guy does gymnastics and takes diet pills. I can definitely see why. *cough*whale!* I've tried asking some of the jedi to train some sense into Luke, but the only one who'll take him in was Mace. After a week with him, he joined my ballet class.


He was doing really great, too. He got all the lead roles and everything while I was always stuck being the Tree. I was so jealous of those nimble toes and graceful strut and skinny waist that I had to drop out. It's not fair. He beats me in everything I do. Tap dancing, door-to-door cookie sales, karaoke contests, even girls scouts badges. Sometimes I think he's up to something...

Saturday, August 13, 2005

My Online Friend

Isn't it funny how friendships online can work? For a week now, I've been talking with this girl, Flae. She likes cookies, puppies, rainbows, and normally wears her hair in an ice cream sundae. She also has a brother who's training to be a Jedi, and has been taught the secret awesome power of the Fork. She's exactly like me! She even taught me how to pin peole down so they can't move or breathe. Very useful.

We were going to be great friends, or so I thought. Just recently, she put up a picture of herself:


















Eeew! What the heck is that? Is she even human, or one of those wookies who shave constantly but their hair grows back anyway? I'm not trying to be mean, but I'd rather not talk to her anymore - I might get cooties. Luke might like her though. Maybe I can set them up. They'd make such a cute couple.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Tribute to the little green guy



I've been hearing horrible rumors that you were dying. Please don't go. But if you are, remember: To us, you were always the little green guy who was everywhere. I know for a fact that without you, life would suck horribly. And it will. The moment I met you, I knew you were a true leader. You gave us order and peace. I'm sorry it has to end this way, and we'll never forget you. Just remember as you go, that we'll always remember you, and you'll always be the little green booger in our hearts. Wherever you are buried, may you rest in peace.

If you're not dying after all, go and get a check up. Promise us you won't make us lose you like this again.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Nerf-herders

I've been doing some research on the ancient tradition of nerf-herding and here's what I found.


The hard-working honest nerf-herder.

Professional nerf herders.


Nerf-herder wannabe.

Rich city nerf herders.

Nerf herders who are too scruffy-looking to herd nerfs at all.



Han, really. If you want to herd nerfs, comb your hair. You've been spending too much time with Chewie.

*Special thanks to Yoda for the idea, also, happy 100dth!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

What this place does to my hair

This desert is tough on my hair. I've lost my hair pins - they just disappeared one day. I could've sworn I saw Jar-Jar... never mind. Anyway, there are no stores, no malls to get ponytail hoders or anything. I must look like a wookiee.


This is driving me crazy! No shampoo, no conditioner, someone better send some over before I freak out. When this is over, this place is gonna get a mall, or at least a store. A huge one, with tons of hair supplies. Not to mention deoderant, socks, nail clippers, all that good stuff. It also needs some decent food. JJ says it's all natural, which leads me to think the food's made of bantha poo. But you wouldn't do that, would you JJ?

I wonder if anyone brought a comb...

(snap)

The Fork! I'm saved! Ha ha! Why didn't I think of this before? Man, this thing is whoopin' awesome! It does everything! See, I told you I wasn't crazy! Yee-haw!

(does a backflip)

(does a cartwheel)

(skips off somewhere)