Into the garbage chute, flyboy

Tagged

2005-10-15T15:30:00.000-07:00

10 years ago I was:
* Taking ballet
* Selling girls Scout cookies
* Tap-dancing
* Collecting beanie-babies
* Baking brownies

5 years ago I was:
* Quitting ballet
* Joining the Senate
* Selling my beanie-babies
* Quitting tap-dancing
* Fighting with my brother

1 year ago I was:
* Shooting the hell out of stormtroopers
* Whooping some major butt
* Yelling at droids
* Whacking peoples' heads with baseball bats
* Hiding super-secret ultra-destructive plans from a guy with breathing problems

Yesterday I was: (5 things)
* Ordering monkeys around
* Ordering droids around
* Wondering why they can't do anything right
* Looking for mushrooms
* Getting sand in my new shoes

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
* Brownies
* Chocolate-chip cookies
* Ice cream
* Goldfish
* Anything with a fork

5 songs I know all the words to:
* Jedi Day's Alderaan Idiot
* Droidhead's My Iron Lung
* HIM's Wings of a Speeder
* The Star-Spangled Galaxy
* The alphabet song

5 ideal places for running away to
Anywhere but Tatooine

5 items you will never see me wear:
* My hair in a normal fashion
* Rollerblades
* A tutu
* Tap-dancing shoes
* A bikini

5 biggest joys in my life:
* My blaster
* My foot
* My mouth
* My fist
* The unlimited power of the Fork

5 favorite toys:
* My Gameboy
* Baseball bat
* Twister board
* Ticke-me Elmo
* Does my laptop count?

Tagged:
Fluke Starbucker
General Grievous
Sabe
Qui-gon Jinn
Han Solo

Mushrooms

2005-10-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

It was cloudy that day, so we had all decided to wait another day before setting off on our raft. We spent the rest of the day on the beach, nothing to do. I should've brought my Gameboy.

“Don't we have any food?” KoKo asked.

Suddenly, it hit me.

“You guys? Did you bring any food?”

“Nope.” 3PO said, and R2 shook his head. We all looked at KoKo.

“Whaddaya lookin' at me for? I was lucky to have even been on the plane! The only way I got in was stowing into a big crate of mushrooms.”

“Mushrooms!” I stood up. “KoKo, you moron, you're a genius! Where was the crate?”

“Oh... uh, in the back of the plane somewhere.”

“Mushrooms what we do with them?” 3PO asked. I ignored him.

We ran towards the plane. Well, half the plane. We ran towards half of the plane. The back half. We ran towards the back half of the plane. We climbed in. And we found them right away.

Crates piled up ten feet high, all filled with mushrooms. At least, we hoped so. 3PO and I brought a small crate down from the top. We all pried the top with our bare hands. I was lucky I didn't get a splinter. Those leave an ugly purple mark on your fingers.

Finally, with a snap, the crate broke open.

Carrots?

(To be continued)

The Raft

2005-10-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

We spent the rest of the day searching the island.

It's big and has tons of trees.

"How we get off?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

We searched for another couple of hours.

"What we looking for?"

"I don't know, 3PO. Stop asking me."

"Doopdee w00t!"

And a few more hours.

"Umm. Highness? I'd kill for an orange right now. I says we build a raft and get off this place. If we're lucky, we might find all the oranges we want!"

Suddenly, it hit me.

"A raft! We can build a raft! Why didn't I think of it before? I'm a genius!"

Koko, R2, and 3PO went and gathered bits of shrapnel and wood from the forest while I told them what to do. It was tiring. By the time we had enough, it was dark and we were sweating like pigs. Okay, they were sweating like pigs. A princess doesn't sweat. They bound the logs together while I supervised. By morning, it was finished.

The eyeball

2005-09-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

3PO and I began searching for our missing friends Koko and R2. As soon as we jumped out of the plane, (or the half the plane) we realized we were lucky to be alive.

Almost immediately, we noticed a hot-pink bow sticking out of the mess of wires and scrapped metal. Next to it, R2 was running into the junk, trying to topple it over, to free the furry fuzzball from a destructifyingly disastrous death.

3PO and I ran over, and helped pull the bow out. We tugged for what seemed like thirty seconds. Suddenly out came KoKo, good as new... well, almost.

"Why're you lookying at me like that?

"Ummm... Koko... your eye... "

She put her hand on an empty eye socket. No eye. She felt around her face. No eye. She stuck her finger into her eye socket and swirled it around. No eye.

That day, at approximately 3:00, 4:00, or maybe even 2:00, a piercing scream filled the air: "My eye! My eye! Where's my cute button eye!?"

"He he he... what dat?" C3PO asked, pointing to the ground. A single black eyeball, which looked a lot like a black marble, rolled out of the pile of junk.

"My eye!" Koko picked it up. She looked at me. What she said next I did not intend.

"Sew my eye in!"

"What?!"

"You got to! Sew my eye in!"

"Doopdee w00t!" (I wish R4 were here to see this)

"I've never sewn an eye in before..." What'd she think I was, a handmaiden?

"Trust me! It like regular sewing. Find a needle and thread! Anything! Please..."

I picked up a small shard of metal and a long string that happened to be there. 3PO and R2 watched as I got ready. I strung the needle... I picked up her eyeball, held up her head...

"Wait!" KoKo screamed.

"Waaaaaaaaaaah!" (What now?)

"What?"

"Just remember, If I scream, or anything, make sure you ignore me. All right?"

"All right."

I picked up the stupid chimp's eyeball and started sewing. It didn't take too long. Before long, she was as good as new.

"Ha ha ha ha... monkey better now!" 3PO sang.

At that moment, there was a tremendous explosion as the earth shook. Well, actually, it sounded more like an elephant. Trees in the forest behind up began urooting themselves. Whatever it was came closer.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" (What now?)

"Run away, run away!" 3PO hobbled away as fast as he could. We followed. The plane, or half-the-plane, would be the safest place to be. We ran faster. The sound seemed to be getting closer... closer... closer...

(to be continued...)

Lost

2005-09-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Me: (squinting) That is Endor... right?
3PO: Look like it. Green and blue, so yup.
Me: Huh. Looks different than from the last time I saw it.
Koko: Maybe it changed... just like an orange would after sitting on a counter after a few weeks!
Me: What, are you obsessed with oranges?
R2: Dooopdeep wOOt! (should I change my name to Wilbur?)
Koko: Teeheehee! You can never be too obsessed with oranges! *snort* I eat one every morning! I eat oranges, I eat orange peels, I drink orange juice, *snort* I even eat orange pie! Tee hee hee!
Me: Oh no...
3PO: We are dere, only almost!
(plane plummets towards the planet, not slowing down. Controls and lights on the ship become fast-moving blurs)
R2: Wahooo!
Me: Who the heck is piloting this thing?! I swear, as soon as I get home, I'm sooo gonna sue their-
(Our characters are suddenly tossed around the plane as the plane is tossed against the ground. Everything goes still for who-knows-how-long?)
3PO: (regaining conciousness) Everyone all right?
Me: (getting up) I'm alive. (looks around) Where'd R2 and Koko go? And what the heck is up with that?!

Where's the pilot?
3PO: (pointing at door) Dere, I guess.
Me: When I'm through with him, he won't know-

Ummm... thank god we're alive, right?
3PO: Ooh monkey! Maybe he do hustle for us!
Monkeypilot: Goodness gracious, we chimps do not just dance. How rude of you to say so! Well, I have been insulted enough. Farewell! (jumps out plane window)
Me: Ooookay... What do you say we go look for R2?
3PO: Okey.
(3PO and Leia walk open the mangled door)

Me: 3PO, I don't think we're in Endor in the first place.

(to be continued)

The ship to Endor

2005-09-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

(3PO, R2 and Leia aboard the ship to Endor)

C3PO: Princess, might I ask what exactly this creature is?

Me: I don't know. I'm guessing it's something really ugly and mutated.

R2: Beep doowhop-bop beep. (translated: It's your mom, you big gold prune! It's your mom!)

3PO: Exactly, R2! We can't just go in there without knowing what it is, that would be unreasonably stupid of us.

Me: Well what do you suggest, smart one?

3PO: Well, I don't have a plan, but I suppose-

Squeaky voice: Eee eee eee!

Me: Shh! Do you hear that?

3PO: Well, I told them they needed to clean this ship before we left, but they just won't compromise. There is no reasoning with those-

Squeaky voice: (louder) Eee eee eee!

Me: Who are you? Show yourself!

3PO: Oh! Oh my! (stumbles backwards)

Me: Watch out for-

(C3PO falls backwards, head landing in a bucket of water that was left there for mopping. Sparks leap out around his head)

R2: Beedee beep doo BOP! (His grammar circuit! Hahaha!)

Ewok: Oh-no! You okeyday, buddy?

Me: Is there something wrong with him?

3PO: (getting up) Ugh. Me is fine. Head ain't doing not too good. But overall, me fine. When we get dere?

(everyone stands shocked)

Me: Did he... did he just use a double negative?

R2: Bop beepdeeb bwop bwah ppppt. (I have a Victoria's Secret catalogue stashed in here somewhere.)

(silence)

Ewok: Maybe I should introduce meself to y'all! I'm KoKo, and I'm coming along with y'all, because as we all know, YOU still need a sidekick!

Me: I need a sidekick?

KoKo: That's right. Scooby-Doo, Batman, Zena, Monkeyboys... everybody needs a sidekick! Dint you read the rules?

Me: Rules? Hell no. And I don't need a sidekick, thank you very much.

KoKo: Well, din Matrix sent me for somefin. Mesorry 'bout your friend. I donno how to fix erm.

3PO: You say I is wrong? Why! Smart I is still, if I try! I still say alphabet backwards watch! A... B... C.... D... E... F...

(KoKo jumps on 3PO's back and flips switch.)

3PO: G... (fading) H... aiiiiiiiii....

Me: Thank you, KoKo.

KoKo: See? Me good for sommythings.

R2: Beep doo-dee! (If a prune is mixed with a pineapple, who will feed the goat?)

(Out the window, the planet of Endor can be seen in the distance.)

Me: We're almost there!

R2: Weehaaaaaah! (Weehaaaaaah!)

Me: Hang on... If 3PO's all messed up, who'll translate for us?

(dun dun dunnnnn)

(everyone stares at camera, with a shocked expression on their face)

...

(To be continued)

Letter From Wicket

2005-09-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last saw Wicket. I remember the time I gave him his first brownie like yesterday. We still write to each other, though. But it's just not the same.

Yesterday, I got a strange letter from him. Judging from the tone, there must be something terribly wrong:

Yub yub Leia,

Yub yib-cha woooo. Ib- Little
Peoples Of The Galaxy Organization yub ibten yib! :-) Oi Yib-yib snuff ibben
ibto turkey wib-wub. Yib?

Yib yibben-oo yub yibbit. Snuff yobben wubben?
Ibben schnaben. Wub-snuff dung-lub. Orange ib-nib parchee. Yib doy. OMG, obbin
wo snuff wubben cookies. Ib-yob! Chimnney doo yib yibben wob. Chim chimen
num-num? Num???

Wicket

As you can tell, some kind of monster's settled into their forest. It's been eating all their food, muddying up their water, and causing trouble around the tribe. They've never caught it though, and no one's seen it, but it leaves enormous footprints everywhere. And since I'm such a great person, they want me to help. And since they asked so nicely, I don't have a choice, do I?

I'm leaving for Endor tomorrow with my two good friends Goldie and Canhead. I'll keep you guys updated!

-Leia

Back... again?

2005-08-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

I pounded on the door.

"Let me in!"

No answer.

"LET ME IN!"

Again no anwser.

"Luke, this is my home, and you have no right locking me out like this! If you don't let me in right now, I'll-I'll call a security guard to kick your butt all the way to Hoth!"

Silence.

Sunddenly I had an idea. It was wild, but it just might work. I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force.

It's just like brownies.

The door swung open. I went in, down the hall, to my closet, and put on my ultimate weapon of complete destruction... my Darth Vader voice-changer mask. I was so gonna freak his pants off.

"Luuuke! Where are you?"

"Hang on a sec... Dad?" His voice was coming from my bedroom.

I turned the knob.

"I am back to take you to the Dark Side."

"Bnnoooooooooooooooo!"

Poor Luke. His finger's starting to yellow. He shot out of there like Roadrunner. I'll never know exactly what he touched, but at least I got my place back.

Phil The Ninja Of Fear

2005-08-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

The Return

2005-08-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

It all started when I got back home... and caught Luke making a fool out of himself...

Luke: Play that funky music white boy! Play that funky music right!
Leia: Luke, get out of my house!
Luke: Play that funky music white boy!
Leia: Get OUT! (rips out extension cord)
Luke: Lay down that... Oh, hey sis, how was Tatooine?

Leia: (pulls fork out) Get out! Don't make me use the fork again.
Luke: (whining) No! You always want me out, and you never invite me over.
Leia: I might, if you weren't bent on stealing my credit card. How much did you spend?
Luke: You know, I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find it -
Leia: It's in the drawer, where I always keep it!
Luke: Oh.
Leia: Get out!
Luke: (sits on floor, crosses arms) No.
Leia: Out!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: No!
Leia: Yes!
Luke: Just because I spilled grape juice on your old dress doesn't mean you can hold a grudge on me. I-
Leia: You did that on purpose!
Luke: Only because you smashed my Beethoven bust!
Leia: That was because you smashed my pink piggy bank and took my money!
Luke: I needed it to replace the sculpture you smashed!
Leia: What? That doesn't even make sense!
Luke: Maybe if you didn't bonk me on the head so much with that baseball bat, you tomboy!
Leia: Who're you calling tomboy, girlie pants?
Luke: I am, stupid.
Leia: You know you were a mistake, right?
Luke: What? Well you know you were born retarded, right?
Leia: If I'm so dumb, how come I didn't end up with that Owen drunk? (No offense, O)
Luke: The Lars just happen to like me better!
Leia: Pshht! Right! And -

...
An hour later...
...

How did this happen?

Senator Elmo

2005-08-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

"Senator Padme, Elmo wants you to tell the kids what sound an elephant makes."

"Aroooo!"

"And what sound do two elephants make?"

"Aroooo! Aroooo!"

"Now, Senator Padme, let's show Jedi Anakin how a real hug is made."

Ah, Senator Elmo, the little red muppet. The last time I remember seeing him was on his talk show 18 years ago, when he was doing interviews with the jedi. Obi-Wan was the last one who came on right before the show was cancelled.

(Obi-Wan comes out from backstage, sits on big yellow feathery sofa next to Elmo)

Ben: *hic* Heeeey, y'all! *hic*

Elmo: Will you please tell Elmo, Mr. Kenobi, about all your hard work at the Temple?

Ben: ............................... *hic*

Elmo: Mr. Kenobi?

Ben: OH! Cheetos! Robots is nice too.

Elmo: I'm sorry, Mr. Kenobi, but Elmo thinks you misheard the question. Will you-"

Ben: No! *hic* Stay away from my mother! She thinks your dumb! *hic* See her again and I'll cut your throat! *hic*

Elmo: That's not what Elmo-

(Ben draws light saber)

Ben: You know bloody well not to mess with me!

(Ben raises saber menacingly)

...

I wonder what ever became of him. Last I heard, he was spending time at a hospital. Maybe he decided he would save more lives if he became a doctor or something. We salute you, Doctor Elmo!

Return of the Tater

2005-08-17T01:31:00.000-07:00

I was at the supermarket one morning, picking out carrots for Carrotfest, when I felt something. Right there, in front of me, was a dark lord. He looked like an ordinary veggie at first, but it was him all right.

"Darth Tater! What're you doing sneaking around here? I thought you were boiled! Mashed! Stuck in a stew! What happened to your face?"

"They boiled us! They boiled us, we wept! But we escaped. Our face is deformed, yes, but we came out alive."

"Ah. What're you doing here in the carrots section, anyway?"

"Sneaking."

"Fine. But why a grocery store? Someone might want you and eat you and everything."

"It's the last place they expects us. Plus, orange-flavored Jello is half off; buy one get one free for this week only."

"No! You lie! The Meijer's brand is the better deal! Eat Fork!" I pulled out the Fork and stabbed him in the face. I sure taught him a lesson.

Jealous

2005-08-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

Luke's a real sissy. I don't know where it comes from, but he's even sissier than me, and that's not right! Maybe it's because of that Owen guy he stayed with. I've heard that guy does gymnastics and takes diet pills. I can definitely see why. *cough*whale!* I've tried asking some of the jedi to train some sense into Luke, but the only one who'll take him in was Mace. After a week with him, he joined my ballet class.

He was doing really great, too. He got all the lead roles and everything while I was always stuck being the Tree. I was so jealous of those nimble toes and graceful strut and skinny waist that I had to drop out. It's not fair. He beats me in everything I do. Tap dancing, door-to-door cookie sales, karaoke contests, even girls scouts badges. Sometimes I think he's up to something...

My Online Friend

2005-08-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how friendships online can work? For a week now, I've been talking with this girl, Flae. She likes cookies, puppies, rainbows, and normally wears her hair in an ice cream sundae. She also has a brother who's training to be a Jedi, and has been taught the secret awesome power of the Fork. She's exactly like me! She even taught me how to pin peole down so they can't move or breathe. Very useful.

We were going to be great friends, or so I thought. Just recently, she put up a picture of herself:

Eeew! What the heck is that? Is she even human, or one of those wookies who shave constantly but their hair grows back anyway? I'm not trying to be mean, but I'd rather not talk to her anymore - I might get cooties. Luke might like her though. Maybe I can set them up. They'd make such a cute couple.

Tribute to the little green guy

2005-08-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've been hearing horrible rumors that you were dying. Please don't go. But if you are, remember: To us, you were always the little green guy who was everywhere. I know for a fact that without you, life would suck horribly. And it will. The moment I met you, I knew you were a true leader. You gave us order and peace. I'm sorry it has to end this way, and we'll never forget you. Just remember as you go, that we'll always remember you, and you'll always be the little green booger in our hearts. Wherever you are buried, may you rest in peace.

If you're not dying after all, go and get a check up. Promise us you won't make us lose you like this again.

Nerf-herders

2005-08-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some research on the ancient tradition of nerf-herding and here's what I found.

The hard-working honest nerf-herder.

Professional nerf herders.

Nerf-herder wannabe.

Rich city nerf herders.

Nerf herders who are too scruffy-looking to herd nerfs at all.

Han, really. If you want to herd nerfs, comb your hair. You've been spending too much time with Chewie.

*Special thanks to Yoda for the idea, also, happy 100dth!

What this place does to my hair

2005-08-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

This desert is tough on my hair. I've lost my hair pins - they just disappeared one day. I could've sworn I saw Jar-Jar... never mind. Anyway, there are no stores, no malls to get ponytail hoders or anything. I must look like a wookiee.

This is driving me crazy! No shampoo, no conditioner, someone better send some over before I freak out. When this is over, this place is gonna get a mall, or at least a store. A huge one, with tons of hair supplies. Not to mention deoderant, socks, nail clippers, all that good stuff. It also needs some decent food. JJ says it's all natural, which leads me to think the food's made of bantha poo. But you wouldn't do that, would you JJ?

I wonder if anyone brought a comb...

(snap)

The Fork! I'm saved! Ha ha! Why didn't I think of this before? Man, this thing is whoopin' awesome! It does everything! See, I told you I wasn't crazy! Yee-haw!

(does a backflip)

(does a cartwheel)

(skips off somewhere)

A thoughtful letter from my sweet bro

2005-07-31T14:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard from anyone else in a long time. Until I found a note in my pocket just a minute ago. It's got some wierd drawing on it...

It's signed by Luke, so the little person must be him... he's watering a flower... the can's marked "poison"... Hey, wait! That's my prizewinning orchid! I was going to enter that in the fair! What the hell, he's killing my orchid! Probrably because of the time I smashed his truck collection, which I did because he spilled grape juice on my white dress, which he did because I... well, you get the idea. When I get off this desert, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... rrrrrrr, I'm so mad I can't think straight. I'm gonna dump a big bucket of glue on his head. That's right. No more Beatles haircut for him. He'll probrably have to cut it, or shave it. (tosses head back, evil cackle)
Now we're even. Well, not now, but soon. Soon...

Forks - I'm not insane

2005-07-28T02:10:00.000-07:00

Forks aren't just the fuzzy little utensils you get at restaurants or buy in supermarkets to eat veggies with. No, they're way better than that. They're probrably the most powerful utensil of all. Many of you are probrably thinking - She's gone nuts. What can a fork possibly do? I'll tell you what a fork can do - what a light saber can't. A fork can be used as a deadly weapon no one can suspect. No one's going to say "Sorry, you can't come in here with a fork." I mean, who can suspect the little fuzzy thing we eat veggies with to be a murder weapon? Nobody.

Another good side to forks is that they can be used by anyone, Jedi or not. And they're not just for stabbing... oh no no no. They can also be used for picking things up that you absolutely don't want to touch, digging, making music, and even eating if it's clean enough. You can get one anywhere, even in cereal boxes.

Mine lights up. Isn't that awesome? You just flick the button and have a butt-whoopin' good time.

Suspicion

2005-07-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have a crazy feeling that Luke's broken in back at home. I just know he can get past the security guards. Hmmph. Last time I buy him a working Spiderman Suit as a birthday present.

I can't help but wonder what he's doing with my credit card right now. He'll probrably open that clothing line he's always wanted(shudders)... Luke's Leotards - "When You Wanna Dance 'Till You Drop." No doubt he's gonna get a speeder or two. He'll wanna register himself in an online dating program, get a safe to stow my card in, maybe a saxophone. I guess it all mounts up to about a billion credits.

Doesn't matter. When I get home, I'm gonna fork-whoop him so bad.

Shooooooot!

2005-07-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck on an island with a fork. I can't bear it. Life is horrid. My heart is shriveled and my soul is dead. The blackness of despair shrouds my eyes. I choke on pain and anguish. I wish I had brought a cell phone. Oh well, as soon as I get home, I'm calling Luke about that prank he pulled. He's always trying to come up with ways to get my credit card just to get a shiny red speeder.

I'm worried that one day, he'll actually outsmart me. He's gone as far as begging desperately nonstop. It's so embarrasing, a grown man like him going "please please please please please please please please plesae please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please..." I'd rather set up a charity for him than give him my own money. The Give Luke Money Charity: Click If You Care. (Just promise me you don't click that at work)

Oh. Shoot. I left my credit card at home and my door's unlocked.

Colors

2005-07-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

I've changed the colors on my blog. Sooo... What do you think? I dunno. I liked it at first, but now it just kind of bothers me.

Gone Tatooin'

2005-07-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to Tatooine for Survivor. I've got everything packed. My blaster and my fork. Don't know how I'll survive without a fork. Blaster's important too, but you can't beat the all mighty Fork. I've been put into the Mabbitt Tribe, which can't get any better. I mean, Aayla, Fluke and Obi-Wan have their lightsabers, which is real awesome. Qui-Gon has the brownies, which can't be beat, except by maybe the fork. Grievous... very... machiney in a tight spot. And Palps has the speedo, which can't be beat. Except by the Fork. And Jar-Jar. Ha ha. Sweet Jar-Jar. Ha ha ha.

I like chicken.

The Call

2005-07-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

Today I got a strange call from the magazine I ordered. They said they ran into some problems, which totally sucks because I was expecting the call to be from Padme.

"Y'ello?" I said into the reciever.

"Hi, this is Domination Magazine. I'm looking for Leia Organa." It was a familiar high-pitched girl's voice.

"That's me, is anything wrong?"

"Well, we have a problem with our press right now, so I'm sorry to say you won't be getting your magazine until... next Thursday."

"What?! I can't wait a whole week! You people stink! All of you! I paid for this crap?"

"Well, there is one thing," They said, "We know your family is very rich. It'll take eighty bucks to fix the machine. So give us the money or else you'll never see your beloved magazine before Wednesday." Snicker.

Just then something hit me.

"Luke?"

They hung up.

Things that scare me

2005-07-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

Fluke came up to pick up his wookie. He was exclaiming over how cute it was. I'm sure they'll be best friends to the end. I can see them now...

Except his wookie's not exactly as well-kept. To be truthful, I think it's pretty ugly. But I didn't dare say that to him. I mean, if he really loves him... Just remember, Fluke, if it turns evil,Use the fork.
While I've been gone, scary things have been happening. The rabid ewok, the messed up droid, and I heard Aayla's story about her aunt. It's really traumatic. How can she be related to... ewww. No offense, Aayla, but that picture really scares me. Which brings back some horrifying childhood memories.I can't stop looking at it. And then I want to poke it, and poke it again. And after a while of staring and poking, she starts to talk to me. Through the computer screen. *shudders*

That really icks.

Hehe, I'm having fun with the image button. I could never download Picasa, the connection here on Alderaan really sucks.

Back on Alderaan

2005-07-12T02:51:00.000-07:00

Thank god, I'm finally back. That was horrible. It's bad enough living with one hairy monster, but living on a planet full of them? That's the worst thing that can happen! I mean, let's see...

*Nothing to do
*Water too cold to swim
*I think they go in their water, anyway
*No clean water, electricity
*Fur everywhere
*No one worth talking to (sorry Chewie, but it's true)
*The *kids*

Don't get me started on the kid wookies. They're cute, they're warm and fuzzy, but they keep pulling my hair! Sure, you might think it's not a big deal, but I spend hours on it! And they keep trying to eat it. I don't know why, but everyone refers to my hair as some kind of food. Donuts, buns, cinnamon rolls... It's not supposed to look like food! If anything, I look like a wagon. Can't you see the wheels? Don't tell me you can't see the wheels.

Oh Aayla, I brought Anastasia back. I'll mail her to you. And Fluke, I don't know your address, so you'll have to pick your wookie up. ; )

Baby wookies

2005-07-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

There's absolutely nothing to do here, so Chewie suggested I help out at the day care center nearby. He seemed to think I was hogging his Gameboy. Like it's something worth hogging. Sheesh.

There are so many baby wookies everywhere and they're adorable! I can't bring myself to believe that one day they'll be big and oafy like Chewie, no offense.

I've tried to count how many there were at the day care center, but they keep swarming around, like a bunch of cute furry mosquitoes. Later, in the midst of all the running around, their number mysteriously dwindled to four. I have no idea where they all went.

This one wookie really stood out. She likes to be called Anastasia. She wears this big beautiful dress everywhere and she is sooo cute! I'm giving her to Aayla if she still wants one.
Awwwww...

So I've abduc - er - adopted you the wookie, Aayla. You're gonna love her! Already she's saying how she'll rule the galaxy one day and make those polluters pay. Awwww...

Complaints

2005-07-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

This is the worst vacation ever! Chewie told me the fishing here was great, so I was pretty excited about that. I had never gone fishing before and had no idea it was gonna be so boring. Did you know you have to wait for the fish to bite? What's that all about? I asked him what we're eating tonight and all he said was "fiiish." Not only that, but all he ever wants to do is swim. It's freezing in there, so I figured I'd tan. But the fog is so heavy... grrrrrrrrrr
When I get home, I'm gonna get daddy to build a real cabin, not this little shack. And it's gonna have hot water and electricity and mosquito-proofing. And a pizza place for those of us who hate fish (probrably just me, but more people will come here after the place is straightened out). Come to think of it, it'll need a salon for all these wookiees. Some of them look like they've never seen a comb! And a shopping mall, because they all look the same in that drab brown fur. Then maybe tear down that ugly old shrine in the corner and build a casino. They'll need the money for clothes, anyway.
After all that is established, they'll need a leader to keep everything under control. I've heard horrible stories about wookiee riots where they tear each other arms off. I guess daddy can be king, because he has more common sense than any of them.

Pip pip,
Leia

Swimming with Chewie

2005-07-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Han comes to Kashyyk a lot. Every time, he'd go on and on about how much fun it was, swimming and fishing, not to mention the wrestling. It has to be fun, right?

Well, I got here just this morning. Right when I got here, I noticed the beautiful scenery. Mist wrapped itself around the blue mountains and trees. Chewie greeted me with a big fat strangling, intoxicating hug, and we went to go swimming right away.

I dunno why he would want to wear a bikini, because he never wears anything anyway. I asked him just that, but he blushed though his fur and muttered something inaudible about peer pressure.

"Hrrr blrrr gaaaah hrr!" he told me, which meant the water was warm today. At least it might've been, because the water was freezing cold! I immediately got out, but Chewie wanted to stay in. He asked me if I wanted to watch the underwater wrestling matches. I told him no thanks and asked if we can leave yet.

"Grraugh rrr hhbrrl!" which meant "Hang on, there's no bathroom around for miles."

I'm not going in there again.

Fishing

2005-07-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

Everything's going on all at once, life's so busy. Jar-Jar's doing something with giant plants (I'm not sure I want to know), the brownie & coffee business, Yoda and Dooku on Jerry (hahahahaha)...etc.

So I've decided to get away from it for a while. I'm taking a vacation on Kashyyk, after Chewie invited me. For a big furry oaf, he's pretty nice sometimes. Despite the "angries," the clumsiness, and the fact that he's not potty-trained.

He said the swimming and fishing's great there, but I have to watch out for the "Grodas." I'm not sure exactly what they are, and when I asked him, all he gave me was "grrrawl, grrb awwwwwl glllrrr grawl." Could someone translate?

I can't wait to get there!

Looky looky at my extra-short post

2005-07-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well that just made my day. What is it with guys and kilts?

Dead Cat

2005-07-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today, I found Mr. Kenoboman. This is what he looks like:
Those paws... The tail... Why?
As you can see, guts are spilled out, and the tail is squashed into a scab. I always thought, if he ever died, I'd cut off the tail and wear it as a scarf. But... noooo...
Mr. Kenoboman, if you can read this from Heaven (or Hell, for that matter), I miss you and I decided to write a poem for you.

I’m here without you kitty
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you kitty
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you kitty
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight, man, your squeak-toy belongs to me

I wrote that all by myself. All mine. Not Universal Records's.

I must be going mad

2005-07-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's fun went pear-shaped when I tried to set off the fireworks. It was raining like mad! The second I lit it, it went out and the package fell apart! After trying for the fifteenth time to fix it, a cop came over.

"What are you doing, miss?" he asked.

"I'm trying to set these stupid fireworks off, but they won't light."

"Um. Miss? That's dynamite."

"What?!?"

"It clearly says 'dynamite' right here on the side." He pointed out the big black letters that I never noticed before. "You do know that it's illegal here, don't you?"

"Blimey, I swear, I didn't know!" I really didn't want to spend a night in jail or anything. "Some guy sold it to me and told me it was fireorks!"

The cop eyed me suspiciously. This was not my cup of tea. Suddenly, lightning flashed and for a second, the cop strangely resembled Han Solo. I heard a voice repeating in my head: "shoot first shoot first shoot shoot shoot." So I gave in and shot the cop in his scruffy-looking nerf-herder-resembling gob.

Then I ran. Bloody smashing it was. How's my British?

Fireworks

2005-07-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

Today's finally the 4th of July! I thought it'd never come. Yesterday, I ordered a whole bunch of fireworks just for today. It took me hours to decide which kind I wanted, then I got the really big kind that stretches for miles. At least that's what the catalog said. I don't believe them though. They surely can't be that big, can they?

How do you set it off? Do you light the fuse, or what? Oh well, I'll figure it out.

BTW, Obi-Wan, you can keep Mr. Kenoboman. Yeah, I know where he's been. *shudder*

Lost Cat

2005-07-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

During the slumber party, I think my cat ran away. I can't find Mr. Kenoboman anywhere. If you think you've spotted him, please tell me. If you haven't seen him, he's brown with white feet and is pretty fat. What else:

Answers to the name 'Kenoboman' (duh)
Also answers to cheese
Sometimes has seizures
Chances are, he's too fat to climb a tree
Spazzes out at the sign of water

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. And if you happen to find him run over by a speeder, into a pile of red and brown fur, with bones sticking out of the skin, guts strewn about, please peel him off and kiss him for me.
Thank you very much.
May the Force be with you.

The sleepover

2005-07-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's slumber party was the best! The first thing I saw when I came in was Anakin drunk doing hulahoops on the table with a beer on his head. He should join the circus. They can't refuse him if we send them a tape of the undie-bowling. The best part was when we stole Mace's Booboobear. It's so gross, all scabby and... drooping. None of us wanted to touch it so someone decided to pick it up with The Force and tossed it into the aquarium. Sorry, Aayla, hope your fish isn't harmed. It really is a beuatiful fish. We watched The Notebook, which is the saddest movie ever! I mean... Allie... and... and... Noah... (sobs) nooooo...

Oh well, it was great. Especially the fact that I got Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator to sign my arm! Squeal!
Thanks, Aayla, you really should throw more parties!

Chewbacca

2005-06-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

Han, if you're reading this, keep your big furry oaf under control! He sheds everywhere, it's so gross, having that brown stuff all over my furniture. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's fur. I go through 3 couches a month! Can't you get him a leash, or choke-collar, or cage or something? If not, I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands. That is, with a thick pair of rubber gloves. Eeeeew.

That was a Christmas present from Luke. Real crystal, with a mini-clock and music box. *tear* Now it's... SHATTERED!

Eep!

2005-06-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

Aayla's having a slumber party, I can't wait! I'm gonna bring my new Lord of the Rings jammies! They're so soft and fuzzy, I can't wait to show them off! According to Mace, something strange is going on between Aayla and Obi-Wan, I think it's best to stay out. Something about Ben's underwear and him wearing a bra... (shudders) let's not get into it. In that case, it might not be a good idea to bring too much beer for him.

Oh yeah, and Aayla, keep an eye on your clothes! Especially the new ones. You never know when someone might wanna steal them.

My new best friend

2005-06-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the animal shelter and you wouldn't believe who I picked up!
I made a picture of him.

Isn't he sweet? Fluke insisted on naming him 'Pounce' for some reason. But I named him Kenoboman after Obi-Wan.

I have to admit, the second I brought him home, he got all fat and lazy. I wonder if it means anything. He absolutely loves cheesy snacks and sheds hairballs on furniture. If this keeps happening, I'm gonna have to keep him outside. Stupid cat.

Cherry Popsicles

2005-06-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, It's me Leia. I finally got one of these blog things, isn't it sweet? Anyhoo, right now I really want a cherry popsicle. I mean, it's like 80 degrees over here. And cherry's the best popsicle flavor ever made. Who doesn't like cherries? And it doesn't dye your toungue an icky color, like other flavors. I mean, I still remember the time Luke bought the brown one and actually ate it. We all told him not to, but he was like 'No way, I'm a man. I can eat anything I want cos I'm not afraid of anything!'
His tongue was brown for like a whole week.

Force be with you,
Leia